Published
Ready for some vulnerability today, friends? Grab some coffee and let’s dive in. This is a hard one for me.
My perfectionism had driven me to be cold, distant, isolated and alone. I wanted everything in its place. I wanted our home to be the most beautiful place possible. I wanted a new kitchen island. I wanted new bathroom cabinets. I wanted a new sofa. If only our fireplace was prettier. I wanted to be a perfect mother with high energy, loads of great activities and always focused on the kids. I wanted to be the best wife, cooking healthy gourmet meals with grace. I wanted to be an amazing perfect friend, hosting parties like it was nothing and listening with my full attention when a friend spoke. I wanted dinners out with couples where we laughed and drank and woke up feeling lovely the next day. I wanted to be included in everything and being excluded added to my desire to be more perfect.
I couldn’t invite friends over without having my home professionally cleaned. I was afraid to be vulnerable and open with anyone. So I stayed closed.
I closed off from my family, my mom, my friends, my neighbors and even my husband in some ways. I went through the motions of life, but felt nothing but isolated, alone and drab. I wouldn’t call it depression in any way. But I was constantly striving for better, prettier, newer, cleaner and more perfect in every aspect of my life… my kids, my kids’ clothes, my home, my car, my clothes, my body, the food we ate, my work, our laundry and more.
When something happened to our car (my father-in-law shut the garage on it as we were backing out and it popped off the top thing covering the antenna), I couldn’t stand looking at it. I wanted it fixed immediately. I wanted everything fixed now and couldn’t see the beauty in what we had, only all of the flaws that were so obvious all around me, then I quickly became overwhelmed and burdened with the thoughts of fixing it all perfectly.
My to-do list grew and grew. My frustration grew too. My joy did not. My peace did not. I was exhausted in the most heavy way possible. I was irritable. I didn’t have energy to exercise, one of the things I probably needed most. My mind felt so heavy, so burdened with all of these superficial things, but they felt serious to me.
My 21-month-old sweet boy was still waking 4, 5, 6 times at night. To others, it was funny or unfortunate. To me, it was tragic. Night time was my worst fear. And I was so so so tired.
And then it happened. I was driving home from childcare with my children at the end of a long work day with lots of deadlines and my mind wandering. Suddenly my face and fingers went numb. My heart began racing and I had chest pain. I felt dizzy, light-headed and had tunnel vision. My body started shaking and I was filled with fear. I was confident that death was near but had no idea what was happening. I drove to the Emergency Room which was very close by. I was afraid I would crash the car on the way if I passed out because my body felt like it was done.
I told the receptionist that I was sure I was having a heart attack and began sobbing. My children were with. I texted my husband to come right away. They quickly brought me into a triage room. The nurse took the boys to get crayons and coloring books plus a snack. My fear lessened and I was able to calm down by the time they returned. I didn’t want to scare them, but was so full of fear myself that I didn’t know how to help them.
Friends. I didn’t have a heart attack that day. I had an awakening. I couldn’t keep on like this. I had to find peace for myself. For my boys. For my husband. For my family. I had to start getting sleep at night. I had to let go of many things that simply didn’t matter.
I am a recovering perfectionist. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. Every time I catch myself striving for something impossible or insignificant, I take a step back and remind myself that I’m still growing, learning to let go and finding peace. It will take time and has. My “awakening” happened in March of this year and I still struggle some days.
The unfolded piles of laundry in our laundry room, the sofa cushions on the floor being used as a wrestling mat, the sand on our mudroom floor, the scuffs on our family room walls, the spider webs on our front porch, the constant cycle of dishes in our sink and so much more are all things I desire to control and fix, as if I can ever make them go away. These things are life. Laundry is never-ending if you are alive. Accepting that is not easy.
But I am alive. You are alive. We ARE ALIVE! Living. Breathing. Enjoying. Suffering. This is life. And frankly, my problems are nothing compared to what many deal with. Being alive means we have the privilege of doing laundry, of chasing kids, of comforting our sick babies in the night… it doesn’t always feel like a privilege though, does it?
My hardest day was the day I finally woke up.
p.s. As you can imagine, sharing this is not easy. I’m not looking for any advice or pity. I’m a writer and sharing is not only my career, but it is my calling. Please share stories, thoughts and love if you have anything to give. I’d be grateful for your kind words in the comments section.
Thanks for sharing Jess. I had an awakening like that many moons ago and for different reasons, but I too am grateful for it! I appreciate your honesty and LOVE that you are allowing yourself to let go a bit! Of course no one who knows you would even know these thoughts were running through your mind all that time, but I am thrilled for your sake that you can now take a deep breath! I too get caught up in feeling like those things define whether or not I have my life together, but the truth is how my family and I feel at the end of each day matters even more! I have to remind myself that balance and moderation are the keys to a happy life! I think this post means you have a earned a night by the firepit to recharge with the girls! Let’s set a date! hehe
Thank you so much for sharing that you had something similar. I greatly appreciate your story and this comment. And yes, a firepit night would be lovely!
Thanks for being brave and sharing your struggle. I sometimes battle anxiety and have to take deep breaths to calm down. Oftentimes it’s brought about by simply longing for things to be different than they are- having nicer things, having my “baby” be older/less needy, having beauty around me (instead of chaos and messiness), having a more successful career, the perfect marriage, the list goes on. And for me sometimes it’s made more intense by sociak media and the constant barrage of of marketing. I don’t have the answers (and I know you’re not asking for them!) but I think being honest with yourself and with others is such a great step toward healing. Love you friend!
Thank you so much for leaving a comment. You have been one of my biggest sources of strength, support and simply sharing. Your friendship means more to me than you will ever know dear friend! Yes, social media absolutely adds to it. Yet, it’s not going away so for me, I have to work through this internally since I can’t change the external world. Working to find peace and getting there day by day…
Love you friend!! Thanks for sharing with us. Being vulnerable isn’t easy but it is beautiful and healing. Hugs to you! Many of us share a version of your story. Thanks for being brave enough to share it.
Thank you for everything. You were the first person (besides my husband) I shared with and it was such a relief. Grateful for you!
Thank you for sharing this struggle! As a mom, there is so much pressure to do everything. Even when we are working moms. Some of it we put on our self, some of it comes from others. The first step is knowing that you aren’t happy and then slowly figuring out how you want to proceed! Such a great post! Virtual hugs to you!
Thanks so much for stopping by Sharon and for the support! Yes, lots of pressure and a lot of it is truly from myself. Working through it moment by moment and slowly finding some peace. :)
Beautiful post. Vulnerability is tough, but also freeing. Thank you for opening up to us, your readers and to yourself. I am happy to hear that things are going better. Please know, you are not alone in this struggle! Motherhood is beautiful, MESSY, and hard as heck. We are all in this together. Sending hugs your way!
Thanks so much Ann. I struggle with vulnerability in a big way, yet being vulnerable and real is so healing. :( So, here I am. Your comment means so much. Thank you!
Proud of you Jess! Vulnerability is tough and I don’t think we open up enough as moms and women. Society portrays this pressure on us that we need to keep it all together. Brené Brown has a great Ted Talk on Vulnerability that I have seen and also a good book that is on my list to read, “Daring Greatly How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.” Have you read it at all?
I struggle with a lot of perfectionist ways as well and related to your post so much. Thank you for sharing through your talent. Hugs!
I sure love Brené! She has been incredibly helpful these past few months. I’ve found so much peace from her books (on Audible)! :) Thank you for your sweet comment. I’m kind of just done pretending like everything is perfect. I will still be me and I am someone who loves to throw a pretty party and have a pretty home, but I’m no longer pretending it’s perfect. Nope! Done! :)
Thanks for sharing- I’m sure many can relate to this post! you are an amazing mom, wife and friend! Proud to know ya! Love ya, Jessy!
Thanks for sharing dear friend. The pressure and stress we put on ourselves is so real. You are so beautiful inside and out. Sending you big hugs.
Thanks for sharing!
Wonderful post, Jess. I too struggle with this (just ask Jana :) ) and am trying to be a “recovering perfectionist”! It’s kind of you to share this and it’s beautifully written.
I.LOVE.THIS.POST. You’re a beautiful soul.
I am a perfectionist too. I have three kids and my home is always chaotic and imperfect. I love that you call yourself a recovering perfectionist-I hope to one day say that as well! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
Hi Amie! Thank you SO much for stopping by! While I do call myself a “recovering perfectionist,” I am in no way recovered yet. :( I’m still very much a work in progress. I bet you are too! Keep on keepin on beautiful lady!
Thank you for this! Although its hard to face some days I now see I am not alone in this crazy and amazing cycle we call life. However, we are alive and there are things that can be so MUCH worse! I still struggle every day but lucky to know that we all have those can lean on for support. :)
Jessica,
I am the mother of two boys as well, however mine are 20 and 17! It happens so fast and I remember waking up too, but much later than you are! You are right that the perfectionism keeps trying to put you in those shackles again, but yes, keep on resisting! When my boys were much younger, all I could see was the mess and would get so frustrated. My boys had each other and played well together, but I missed out on playing with them because I took “advantage” of that time to take care of the mess in the house. Don’t stress over the mess! Go play with your boys (yes, you can make fun games out of cleaning too, sometimes!) and spend time with your husband too. Keep the truth in front of you and refuse to believe the lie that you can have it all–all the time! Something will have to give. You are too wise and loving to let it be you and your family! Just two more things: 1) I heard of a great book, Present Over Perfect; and 2) there is something beautiful to being vulnerable, it creates a sweet bond, and on more than one occasion, it was the icebreaker that began a great friendship! Thank you for being brave and vulnerable!
I am so sorry to hear about your scary awakening. As a mom who has some children who have flown the nest, I think about how I now have time for a more “perfect” home and I wonder why it isn’t more____, more clean, more organized, more stylish, more like the ones I see on the blogs I follow, and the answer is this: I got more comfortable with the imperfections over time. I hope in time the practice of letting some of that need go will become easier for you as it has for me. But honestly, when one is an aesthete it makes sense that they would like their world to be beautiful around them. So be kind to yourself.
Beautiful. This post. Your writing. Your honesty. YOU. Beautiful beyond words- sending a personal email right now. I need to read your blog more often- so refreshing to read authentic voice like this. You are beautiful. Thank you.
Now that’s getting vulnerable!!! Thank you so much for sharing. I couldn’t stop reading. Like it was my own story. Perfectionism. It’s hard. Thanks for opening my eyes…. I need to get down and play with my kiddo while the couch cushions are thrown off, now fret over the pillows being “not perfect.” I’m so glad you’re okay!
This is me. Thank you for sharing your heart. ❤