Published
This is a hard post to publish. I feel like there is a risk here that some of my opinions about sleep may be taken wrong or people won’t agree or won’t like what I have to say. My intention is not to offend, but to share. This is simply my experience and I want to share it for those out there experiencing sleep struggles and for myself. xoxo, Jessica
Even with an almost 3-year-old, I am obsessed with sleep. Those newborn nights nearly three years ago are to blame. I would go to bed fearing how bad the nights would be. I would pray that I could get any sleep at all. I would try to “solve” our “sleep issues” rather than embrace them as just a part of this season of our lives.
I spent the short hour or two hours that B was actually sleeping in those early days, weeks and months, filled with anxiety about when he’d wake up rather than drifting off into a bit of much-needed sleep. Every sound would make my body tense as I wondered if he would wake before I even got a moment of sleep or worse, he would wake the moment I actually did fall asleep.
I read every baby sleep book and article out there from Dr. Sears to the most extreme cry it out options and after a lot of thought and soul-searching and quite a bit of trial and error, finally realized something.
Acceptance was the best thing for us.
It took me more than a year to simply accept that our son wasn’t a good sleeper. His first birthday was the mental turning point for me. I enjoyed that day so much! I loved being his mommy. He was doing so many things that just amazed me.
But sleep wasn’t one of them and I was spending most of my energy and effort on the one thing he just wasn’t into. Why waste all that energy (and there wasn’t much) on the negative, the hard thing?
My husband and I realized that maybe all the things we’d been obsessing over weren’t the solution. It wasn’t his pajamas that night. It wasn’t his mattress. It wasn’t what he ate or didn’t eat. It wasn’t because he was breastfed. He didn’t have food allergies. It wasn’t the white noise we had on or the lack of white noise. It wasn’t that he needed even darker shades in the room. It wasn’t that he needed a night-light. The list could go on and on (and did-click to read another post with some of the things I heard). I read it all. I heard it all from well-meaning friends and family.
Now, if you had a “good sleeper” this may not resonate with you at all. You may still think we did something wrong or our doctor missed something or you maybe just didn’t have to think much about sleep at all. I am honestly so happy for you. A well-rested parent is the best thing. I truly believe, after researching sleep in every way possible, that some babies sleep much better than other babies. What works for one baby does not work for every baby.
But friends, even with the wisdom I’ve gained after years of waking up at least once a night with our son, I am still obsessed with sleep. I’m obsessed with bedtimes and naps and wondering when to cut off naps. I still somehow think there might be a “magic sleep button” if I just shorten naps, lengthen naps, cut naps, start bedtime earlier, start bedtime later, give him milk before bed…
I’m obsessed with my own sleep too.
My pregnancy has brought back those anxious nights. I am feeling the pressure to get B to a better place at bedtime and sleeping through the night on his own before the baby arrives. I am having a hard time sleeping from all the pregnancy hormones and night-time restroom breaks. I’ve been a light sleeper for a long time, but getting up to use the restroom means I have to try to fall asleep up to four times a night. It’s such a reminder of those difficult yet beautiful newborn nights, weeks, months. And it scares me.
Have I learned from parenting B? Can I let go a bit and realize I am not in control? Can I learn to rest when the baby rests? Will I get any sleep or will I spend endless nights wishing for sleep and yet the moment the baby really does sleep, will I just lie there awake?
I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen. I do know I’m not in control. I do know it really does get better with time. I do know that there will be some really hard nights and there will also be some incredibly great nights—even the sleepless ones can be filled with sweet moments. I do know that it will end much too quickly.
“They” all say I’ll miss these days with my babies and in my heart of hearts, I know that is 100 percent true. This baby boy will more than likely be our last baby and embracing sleepless nights may just make the days wonderful instead of dreadful.
We will enter a new season of our lives in June. I think I’m in a place where I can accept that with the wonderful joy-filled, beautiful, sweet-smelling newborn baby moments comes exhaustion beyond anything most people (other than parents) have ever experienced and that it will end. It will end much too soon. I’ll miss those moments. I’ll miss those sleepless nights. I’ll miss waking up before the sun rises and I’ll most definitely miss those early morning walks with my babies.
Even knowing that, it won’t be easy. But we will get through.
Note to friends, family and supporters of parents dealing with sleep issues
Please, well-meaning lovely people, don’t tell us to relax and that it will all work itself out or to relax because the baby can sense our frustrations. I’ve been told this many times and I truly know this but it doesn’t make it easier. And giving us your advice is usually just frustrating and even more exhausting, because, trust me, we’ve tried or researched anything and everything that could possibly get us just one extra hour a night. Now that I’m out of this time in my life, I do know that you all mean well. You do, but when I was in that darker place, it didn’t feel that way.
Instead, maybe just say “I’m so sorry you are exhausted. Is there anything I can do to help?” or “That sounds really tough (and add a hug).”
Just support. Don’t solve. This will make a huge difference for us. Thank you for caring about us and doing what you can to help us through a time that we all know should be some of our most joy-filled, but that in reality are some of our hardest. We appreciate it more than we will ever be able to express (especially in our sleep-deprived states).
Thank you so much for sharing this blog. I also have a child who doesn’t sleep and have read/heard/tried everything. No one talks about the babies that just don’t sleep well and no amount of training/time will change that. People only talk about how great there baby sleeps it is nice to hear the other side and know I am not alone in this.
Laura, I’m so sorry to hear you are probably exhausted beyond words. Thank you for taking the time to write here. It is SO hard and I’m sending you tons of virtual hugs!
Such a great post, friend! BTW…I have never seen a newborn pic of B…I love how you can see his little features and know what he’s going to look like as a big boy…too cute :)
Thanks lovely lady! I’ve never seen one of your kiddos either. Funny how that works.
Oh, pretty much! I wish I COULD hug you, because I know. I am super proud of you for sharing this!!
Thank you so much Megan! It felt good to get it out there, if for no one other than myself. Hoping it helps a few others too though.
I just had a flash to June… is it really possible that someday it will be above 0 degrees again, a morning walk in the sunshine without 17 layers on!?!
So hard to imagine and so over winter!
This is a great post. I am also obsessed with sleep! I have an almost 3 year old and a 5 month old and am getting through it — you will too. Good luck.
http://www.newmomandthecity.blogspot.com/
Great post, Jess. My brother and sister in-law had sleeping issues with my nephew Oscar so even though I don’t have kids, I can sort of relate. They would constantly tell me how frustrating it was when people would try to give them advice about it. Like you, they tried every option that was out there.
-Molly
p.s Can’t wait to see more pictures from your trip.
just a HUG for you! =)
Oh dear, I really try to give sleep advice only when asked but this post is an encouragement to make sure that’s the case! For me, I had a “system” that I felt worked (even though I totally agree that some babies are better natural sleepers than others) and at first I did want to share it b/c I wanted other sleep deprived mamas to get sleep! But pretty quickly I realized a) it may not work for them b) they might be more content with “acceptance” than trying yet another “method,” c) mine might be the gazillionth piece of advice they’ve gotten in their numerous sleep deprived months and d) they just might not want to hear it! ;) I do hope your next little one is a better sleeper but regardless your attitude and perspective will help get through it. Oh and I agree that there can be super sweet moments during those wee in the morning hours. Nadia had colic and even during the screaming at 2:00 am (while we were both crying) I remember looking down at her and feeling bad that she was having a hard time and just falling more in love with her. Great post and I’m sure VERY encouraging for mamas of non sleepers. Thanks for being vulnerable and putting yourself out there!
And for me, when I asked my friends for advice and thoughts and ideas, I wanted it. But that’s different than what I’m talking about. It was the constant unsolicited advice and what felt like, no simple support that made it hard. Sometimes I just wanted someone to say “oh wow! That’s terrible. I’m sorry.” You know? Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful comment that reminds me that people all really do mean well.
Yes I get it! I had one friend that said “my son is so many amazing things but all people want to talk about is why he doesn’t sleep.” made me sad! Your words to “not solve” are perfect!
Oh and because my comment wasn’t long enough ;) I LOVE those pics of B. Some of my favorite ever!
Thank you sweet friend! I’m often very grateful that I took the time to capture him sleeping. He’s already such a big boy compared to then. :( and :)
This is a great post and I can totally relate. Juliet is an ok sleeper but it’s never really been easy and I’ve learned to embrace her nap time as my nap time on the weekends just to catch up on the sleep I missed during the week. Most nights she ends up in bed with us because she wakes up and won’t go back to bed in her crib . And now that she’s no longer breastfeeding getting her to fall asleep has been such a challenge. And I’ve been wondering how to “fix it” even though I know and agree with you that it’ll get better in time and I just need to accept it’s hard right now. being a momma is never easy but it is always the best at the time time. Hugs to you, hopefully you’ll get some decent sleep this weekend!
Such wonderful thoughts! Ramona isn’t a bad sleeper, but she isn’t that great either. Beckett is the same. We cosleep with him (like we did with her), and he’s very needed right now. He needs me to sleep. It’s exhausting because I don’t sleep well with him in the bed (says the idiot that choses to cosleep). The truth is this time flies and it is exhausting but it will be over so fast. Down that coffee and enjoy the extra snuggles. Eventually we will both sleep…actually I have this theory that becoming a mom means you give up your right to sleep for eternity. I am a constant worrier, so even when my kids are asleep I’m anxious about irrational scenarios anyway.
I will say I think the best thing for people to do is give you time to rest. A little time away from the needs of your children. Nick gives me quiet mornings on the weekend until Beckett needs to eat again. Of course I’d like time away with Nick too, but that hasn’t been possible yet.
I think you will surprise yourself with how well you adjust and enjoy your new boy and having 2 kiddos. It’s going to be amazing even if it’s also a little stressful and exhausting.
Great post and that B-day pic with the cake is ADORBS
Thanks for sharing this! It will get better in time, and you’ll get through it :) That’s for sure. Oh and btw, you have such a beautiful child ♥ He’s a gem.
This is such an important post — and I’m so glad you wrote it!
We also didn’t sleep train. It’s so important that mother talk about these things and list to each other as story-sharers not as idea converters and convertees. Every family (and baby) is different and we have to respect that!